The thirteenth of October marked one month since Quinn's funeral. That month lived like a year. So much of our thinking has been rearranged, and we're still unsure of ourselves, stumbling on wobbly emotional legs. I'm distrustful of myself in public. I'm relearning how to buy groceries, how to cook, how to avoid diaper ads. Some days are good, and I can tune out the immediate heartbreak. Some days are horrible and I want to give in to the grief and let it swallow me whole. Some days I feel OK, but then I meet a friend in the produce section, and instead of choosing the perfect bunch of bananas, I'm wiping my eyes again.

I find myself having a good morning, but then suddenly getting outrageously angry at small things, like the inept repair of potholes in the road. In the same vein, I might have a tearful day, feeling like I'm going to vomit the whole time, but end the day with laughter around the supper table.

People ask what they can do for us. I don't know. Bring Quinn back.

But please keep praying. Please keep using Quinn's name. Keep asking how we're doing, but be OK with an in-the-moment answer. Some times we want to talk about it, but sometimes we need to forget about the grief for a time.

Kidspeak

Over a year ago, I began keeping a small notebook for the things my kids say. I've kept that up over the past month, and the entries reflect their thought processes.

Jack
Gwue's Cwues = Blue's Clues
I meed it! = I need it!
No! I just went! = automatic response to the potty question
pockin picker = cotton picker

"I don'wanna talk nice!" (after being reprimanded for whining)

Helen
"Mom, what was that square thing with the windows in it back there? It was on the ground. It was something that you live in and has carpet in it." (I figured out later it was an abandoned roofless building.)

"Mommy! I'm obeying the TROOF in the truck! I am just growing up. In the bathroom I was thinking--and I was sooooo tall."

yong = yawn
clown = crown

"Mom, is Quinn's body at her grave, under the ground? And even her face and her eyes?.....I wish we should have another baby girl named Quinn." Parental explanation. "Well, I wish we should have another baby girl with a different name."

"I need a Q-tip to check my teeth. Q-tips are for your teeth to make a lever."

Owen
On Quinn:
"Did the ears on her body hear you?"
"Is Quinn going to drink milk from Paw Paw?" ????!!!!!
"Are there numbers on the houses in heaven? What is Quinn's number?"
"Is Jesus holding Baby Quinn? Can we call him?"

While being tucked into bed: "Mommy, I think you need to get out of here. You are talking to me too much."

Lately

Abandon yourself to the nap!

Naps are located in the top drawer of my coping toolkit. They are especially useful as we're shooing away the flu virus. (Yes, one faint positive flu swab at the doctor's yesterday.)